Journal

Senior open classical is without doubt the hardest class I have ever done. Think of being in year 8, and being told to do some year 11 standard maths problems. It is amazingly hard, and amazingly tiring. That one hour class made me more tired than the 7 hours of dancing I did before it.

It is so amazingly challenging. You're always on your toes (not literally), always having to think, remember steps. And to make your body do what you want it to do, which I have enough trouble with doing my own level's syllabus. It's a huge challenge to get through.

And it takes up all (and I mean ALL) of my Saturday. I'm up at 6:45, dancing at 8:15, finish at 4:15, come home, have dinner, maybe watch some TV. Doing anything productive is out of the question due to how tired I am. It'll be interesting to see how well I cope when Uni starts.

I could be at a party right now... damn ballet for making my almost non-existant social life even more so...

*joee

innocent kiss - you're cute and sweet and like it
that way

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Bah, bored, tired, etc. Might as well rant.

In my last post I was saying that I wanted a serious relationship. But now that I think about it, maybe I am being a little selfish.

I feel bad putting a guy through my problems: not being able to date, having a curfew. With Uni, ballet, and my curfew, I would barely have time to see the guy at all, unless he went to the same Uni as I did. And Uni is hardly a romantic place, you wouldn't want to be spending all your dates in and around University.

So am I being selfish by wanting a relationship I can't hold?

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Regardless, I still would love to have someone there that I can have that physical intimacy with. Everything else in a relationship I can get from my friendships: being able to talk freely about anything, talking to them anytime, implicit trust, etc. The only thing I can't get is intimacy, and that's what I really miss atm. Just being in each other's arms, kissing, holding hands, lying on each other's shoulders. I'm depressing myself just thinking about it =(

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I miss liking someone and having it work out. Not that it's happened a lot, but it's so much fun when it happens. I always feel like I'm floating on air for days afterwards. To think about someone and have a smile come to your face. To feel a flutter in your stomach every time you see that person. It's all so nice and pretty and perfect, and it's so sad because even going through it, I know that it all has to come to an end someday.

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I wish there was an easy way to let people down. The whole breakup/letdown thing is so painful for both parties involved, I wish you could send people controlled signals that can't be misinterpreted. If your not interested in someone you could send them the appropriate signal and they would understand. Of course, it's make the entire dating game a lot more boring.

July 18: -

The guy I met at the start of the year playing pool had a girlfriend. Just ran into him the other day and it turns out that thye've broken up. However I think I've just killed any chance I had of getting him, so I spose I'll just have to deal and get over it.

I have a huge blister from ice-skating yesterday. Dancing tomorrow for 8 hours should be interesting, to say the least.

Going around the ice rink holding hands with Nick (ok, I was in an optimistic mood, needless to say I didn't get much reaction), I thought about my life and what I wanted out of it. Sure holding hands with Nick and skating was fun, and it made me content for awhile, but I want something that will last.

I was talking to someone today, and they were telling me about the romatic things they did for their SO when they were in a relationship. That's what I want at the moment. Having done the entire short, sweet relationship thing, I want something lasting now. I want a guy who'll buy me chocolates and roses, but more importantly, someone I can talk to, completely open my heart to him. Someone I can hang around with and just sit, content in each other's presence. Soemone I can talk to for hours, about anything and everything.

I was happy yesterday after having a pretty nice day. And lying on my bed reading, I suddenly felt lonely, like I was all alone in this world and I had no one to turn to. So maybe I have bigger problems than wanting a boyfriend.

*joee

July 15: -

Indecision is baaaad. Very bad.

Umm... life is on the whole ok. I'm actually in an ok mood today, the world doesn't suck as much as it usually does. And I've got the feeling of nothing can hurt me today, nothing can upset me, which I think is going to be proven wrong any second now.

Ballet is cool, feeling sore is kinda annoying, but it feels right, it feels comfortable. I feel like a niche of my life that's been empty for the last couple of weeks is now full, and my life is just that little more complete.

Ok so I'm a masochist.

Elementary is so hard, but so good. It's nice to have to always work now, because my technique isn't actually that good. So always having to work to even be anywhere near correct is nice. I come out of ballet classes sweating and tired, but fulfilled. I've worked hard, and have gotten a little bit better. Granted a very little bit, but better nonetheless.

Umm... people write in webjournals so religiously, it's just so much fun reading them. You learn so much about a person from what they write in journals, even if it is fairly impersonal things they are willing to share with the whole world. You let down your guard when you write, and you see the person for who they really are. At least that's what I do when I write here.

*joee

July 13: -

You ever get the feeling that you know what you're meant to do, you know it's the right thing to do, but it still feels wrong?

I got asked out yesterday. And I know that the relationship wouldn't ever have worked. Had this happened last year I would have said yes just because I thought it was a good learning experience, but now I realise that's quite selfish. So I knew that saying no was the right thing to do. But there's that little voice in the back of my head saying 'well, what if you had said yes? It could have all been nice and stuff.' What can you do?

I wish I was happy.

*joee

July 11: -

I passed! I passed! Oh, thank the <whatever deities> I passed!

Isn't July 11 something important? <It's 8 in the morning, I've been up more than an hour, go away =p>

Athough I would like to know what I got for programming.

Ah well, life is good, I passed physics, after a sleepless night when I was almost convinced I was going to fail, despite my best attempts at studying. I can't believe I'm putting myself through another semester of this. Doing advanced phsyics instead of advanced programming. I'm definitely insane.

I can't believe I've been up 2 days in a row at 6:45. I also can't believe I'm going to be doing this on a regular basis (for ballet). Who the hell dances at 8:15 in the morning?!?! That class is pretty useless last term, starting at 8:30, b/c everyone (including teachers) was sleep-deprived. It's going to end up being 30 mins of warm-up and maybe 15 mins of actual dance work.

Unimpressed!

*joee

Well, I was feeling good about my results...

I got results for 3 subjects back today - let's call them A, B, and C. I got high 70's for A, high 80's for B, mid 90's for C. Pretty good results I thought, considering I thought I was going to fail. So I tell my dad. Conversation:

"Results came today"

"Oh, what'd you get?"

"<blah>"

Pause. "Is that out of 100?"

"Yes"

"You only got <mark> for A"

"That's a good mark"

"What'd everyone else get?"

"I don't know. Marks aren't scaled <so I have no idea where I came>"

"Ok. And you only got <mark> for B. You should've done better in that subject"

"There's no point getting ultra high marks anyway"

"It means next year you might get a scholarship" <I didn't get a scholarship this year, a couple of my friends did>

"Whatever"

"Your mark for C was ok"

July 10: -

I hate emotional rollercoasters. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Yes, lots of fun. Yay.

Pfft, life sux.

Anyway... I bought a new FFX poster. Coincidentally the same one I bought Luke, only slightly smaller.

I've gone over my ankle again, probably not a good idea considering ballet starts next week.

Bah, this is all so mundane.

*joee

July 5: -

Bored. Tired. Need entertainment.

I have a new pair of boots though.

Please reopen your site Lukus.

*joee

July 4: -

Independence Day!

My mobile is fixed - so all is good.

And I never seem to attract guys I like - the ones that are attracted to me I don't see a bf material, the one's I do see as bf material aren't attracted to me. Life's too hard.

And I beat Andy at pool!!! Keep in mind that I suck at pool, and Andy's really really good. So this is a pretty big accomplishment.

*joee